whoops.

ok so that didn't work well. whoops. and there's a cat in my lap. and i have a yucky zit. oh well..

but then that's what i get for not wearing makeup and trying to subvert the system. dammit.

miss you t. hope you haven't killed mom yet.

me

i promised you one. it's not the best but it's here.

nope.

you know, i don't think i really want to handle ever being turned down again. perhaps i'll just stop.

figuring things out.

so.
i think i've made real progress here in my mental processes.
if i just don't pay any attention -- just work and sleep and work and sleep and drink and work and sleep -- i don't have any thing to worry about because i don't have any time for worrying.

that's healthy, right?

SAM!

I GOT A NEW PUPPY!

HIS NAME IS SAM!!

HE'S WONDERFUL!!

YAY, SAM!

mellow on down easy.

first off, my apologies to t -- i didn't mean to skip out on you at all, but with your MSN not working, it's not like i've got too many avenues for communication. i DID post here on wednesday and i got in touch with you on friday. we can do the math together to see how that isn't 4 days.

but in that time, life, of course, has been a little wild.

tuesday (ironically and, perhaps, appropriately, also t's birthday), d has invited me to join him at the new year's staff party thrown by the owner of the restaurant where he is a fulltime bartender. (only significant others are allowed as dates, or so i'm told, because the owner, as well as the rest of the staff, don't want to deal with new date drama. ok, can we just say that someone cares WAY too much to sit and think UP that rule, nonetheless explain it out to his whole staff??)

and i'm going.

this past thursday, i got a haircut -- very drastic. i like it a lot -- will post picture when i take a good one -- but it's short. (in the back, it's stacked, so the shortest part is, like, 2 inches, and in the front it comes down to my chin. but the whole new part thing -- on the side not the front -- it's wierd. but i like it. for now.)

ok, i've been trying to write like real things for the past hour and the internet doesn't want to let me so i'll try again later. yeesh.

alive.

i'm here. and it's only been 2 days. miss you.

pda.

so d and i hung out last night -- with a few friends from high school and camp (from waaay back), i went down to his restaurant/winebar and we drank up at the bar until he got off (maybe 2 hours). from there, we headed to the open mic night that we love to go to every tuesday night and he and i played/sang together (very 'just like old times'-y).

until we'd gotten to limerick (the pub where the open mic is held), we were like always - friends - just closer than anyone else. then once he had a drink in his hand, he was my date, lover, whatever you want to call it. when we parted for the evening, he kissed me good night.

and we had lunch today -- after i got off work, we met up at this restaurant that he loves that i hadn't ever been to and that he hadn't visited in a while. it was fun, cute; we talked and ate and laughed and had a good time. we made plans for tomorrow night -- we don't live very close (and i don't have my own car) -- i'll be staying with him overnight. as we walked to our cars, he hugged me goodbye.

so then i turn to him and say (paraphrased here), "you know, we should probably have a discussion about the whole 'pda' thing soon."

he says to me, "what do you mean?"

"well, you see, there's this discrepancy between our states of being when we're sober and when we're drinking. i.e., there is pda and touching when we drink and there is not when we're not. (d laughs.) i don't want to put you on the spot which is why i'm saying it to you now, as we leave. next time, let's discuss," i request.

"ok," he says, "but i really don't think it matters all that much."

i reply, "it does matter, only because it's weird." what i do not say but need to is "because it feels like you don't want me when you're not tipsy, and if you only want me when your choices are influenced by alcohol, we have an issue."

but then he's d -- i love him. he's my best friend and he understands me -- so far, as a friend. i like to think i'm more 'chill' than most girls but what do i know?

but does he really see me like a date? or am i a best friend and sex? i love to be in his presence -- it's just -- he's so NOT what i see in my head -- in my little petri-dish world -- as someone i would date or love. he's just -- d.

on another but clearly related note, i'm half-worried t might possibly be avoiding me. i mean, it's only been like a day since we've talked online last but -- for the two of us -- that's a lot.

i hope work is as theraputic as always and i feel productive and successful -- 'cause it sure seems like i've set myself up to strike out everywhere else.

amusing.

i'm done curbing my words, dear. let's start making some decisions.

yup.

having this space just makes me want to fill it.

luckily, it's for myself that i'm so driven to do so. you see, i've got all these plans. i mean, i had them. i was going to go abroad for a year -- ecuador and spain -- and then come back up to school, finish my senior year, graduate and go on to law school -- human rights law.

but now all of those have changed -- well, i'm going to do most of them, i think -- but in different orders with timescales and ticking social clocks--

i want love, too.

now.

you see, i actually didn't have the best time in ecuador. no, no -- that's not true. for a specific period of time, i did. for randomly interspersed dates, i did. but more so, i watched and i envied.

'social butterfly,' that was always my nickname when i was little. making friends: that's what i know how to do. making people feel comfortable around me -- that's always been my job. through youth group and theatre in high school -- waiting tables and working retail at 'the discovery channel store' and teaching music at sunday school -- that's me.

in ecuador, in a group of 26 of us, i didn't do that. hell, i have no idea what i did -- but the group dynamic developed without me -- as though i were on the periphery -- outside.

i had no idea what to do. i still don't know. but i miss them.

by the end of the trip this had changed, but i didn't get all of those memories from day one -- i'm supposed to write back to all of the group emails but i can't say this, right?

and really, they aren't what's on my mind. d -- the best friend and lover -- and t -- who the hell knows who he is in my life? -- they are what i'm thinking about.

i kind of just want to think about me, though. when do i get to do that?

sex.

today's confusion: how much can you know someone without ever having touched them? or even -- how can you be attracted to someone without having seen or felt the contours of their skin? how much does it matter that what i really want to do is find all of his freckles and know how blond the little hairs are on the back of his neck?

i'm in way over my head.

not healthy.

so maybe it's a good idea to, you know, write and express and all that crazy shit, but i can't imagine it being so healthy to just have this blank screen in front of me, encouraging me to put out all of my thoughts -- ridiculous or otherwise.

i'm dating my best friend from high school. that's wierd.

and i'm having (dorky, i know) conversations online with this kid i've never met ('t' -- to copy his little code) -- telling him all my secrets and getting advice and support and comfort. we talk about d -- my best friend/lover and l -- his recent conquest, who is turning into this perfect woman for him.

i want to say 'i can't help but be envious' but that's not really true -- i suppose if i tried, i very well could help it. but then i am.

so he tells me about l and i tell him d and it makes sense. we're both smart, somewhat well-adjusted people who need outside, unbiased advice -- and who better to give you that than someone you don't know?

but i do know him. pretty well, i think.

i mean, i have no idea how he takes his coffee, or exactly what it is he does, or what size shoe he wears, or how he smells in the morning, but i can read his moods in the style of his words. i go out of my way to get online to talk to him.

he's going to read this. he's the one who got me on this whole blog business anyway. tonight. but i don't know how he'll respond.

i'd like to be able to say he'd smile and hug me -- but i've never met him so i can't experience that when he does. i'd love to be able to say he'd laugh and agree with me, giving me back some of the same things -- but i don't really know him and i wouldn't be able to hear the laugh.

i hope this at least makes him think.

thanks.

first one.

so i just got back from ecuador. on the 12th of december.

maybe that sounds like a lot of time -- but it's not. it feels not like yesterday but like 10 minutes ago. it's all so close to my heart. i guess i haven't written about it yet because it scares me... to get over it. to move on. to change back. to be here.

i'm in love with ecuador. i'm in love with me. i'm in love with love.

but what do i get from that? god i'm fucking boring. let's lament. that'll get me far.

if only i knew how to unlock me. i mean, clearly there's words inside. clearly there are melodies and tunes. clearly there is a whole different me. but where the fuck are you?

but that's not true -- that's too sci-fi for me. but still it is like being locked -- because i'm sure it's there -- the expression of myself from this life-changing trip -- but i can't find it.

ok. so. wtf.

welcome to my world.

ok so this makes me officially a nerd. no holds barred. and a yuppie at that. wow.

love it.