yup.

having this space just makes me want to fill it.

luckily, it's for myself that i'm so driven to do so. you see, i've got all these plans. i mean, i had them. i was going to go abroad for a year -- ecuador and spain -- and then come back up to school, finish my senior year, graduate and go on to law school -- human rights law.

but now all of those have changed -- well, i'm going to do most of them, i think -- but in different orders with timescales and ticking social clocks--

i want love, too.

now.

you see, i actually didn't have the best time in ecuador. no, no -- that's not true. for a specific period of time, i did. for randomly interspersed dates, i did. but more so, i watched and i envied.

'social butterfly,' that was always my nickname when i was little. making friends: that's what i know how to do. making people feel comfortable around me -- that's always been my job. through youth group and theatre in high school -- waiting tables and working retail at 'the discovery channel store' and teaching music at sunday school -- that's me.

in ecuador, in a group of 26 of us, i didn't do that. hell, i have no idea what i did -- but the group dynamic developed without me -- as though i were on the periphery -- outside.

i had no idea what to do. i still don't know. but i miss them.

by the end of the trip this had changed, but i didn't get all of those memories from day one -- i'm supposed to write back to all of the group emails but i can't say this, right?

and really, they aren't what's on my mind. d -- the best friend and lover -- and t -- who the hell knows who he is in my life? -- they are what i'm thinking about.

i kind of just want to think about me, though. when do i get to do that?