pda.

so d and i hung out last night -- with a few friends from high school and camp (from waaay back), i went down to his restaurant/winebar and we drank up at the bar until he got off (maybe 2 hours). from there, we headed to the open mic night that we love to go to every tuesday night and he and i played/sang together (very 'just like old times'-y).

until we'd gotten to limerick (the pub where the open mic is held), we were like always - friends - just closer than anyone else. then once he had a drink in his hand, he was my date, lover, whatever you want to call it. when we parted for the evening, he kissed me good night.

and we had lunch today -- after i got off work, we met up at this restaurant that he loves that i hadn't ever been to and that he hadn't visited in a while. it was fun, cute; we talked and ate and laughed and had a good time. we made plans for tomorrow night -- we don't live very close (and i don't have my own car) -- i'll be staying with him overnight. as we walked to our cars, he hugged me goodbye.

so then i turn to him and say (paraphrased here), "you know, we should probably have a discussion about the whole 'pda' thing soon."

he says to me, "what do you mean?"

"well, you see, there's this discrepancy between our states of being when we're sober and when we're drinking. i.e., there is pda and touching when we drink and there is not when we're not. (d laughs.) i don't want to put you on the spot which is why i'm saying it to you now, as we leave. next time, let's discuss," i request.

"ok," he says, "but i really don't think it matters all that much."

i reply, "it does matter, only because it's weird." what i do not say but need to is "because it feels like you don't want me when you're not tipsy, and if you only want me when your choices are influenced by alcohol, we have an issue."

but then he's d -- i love him. he's my best friend and he understands me -- so far, as a friend. i like to think i'm more 'chill' than most girls but what do i know?

but does he really see me like a date? or am i a best friend and sex? i love to be in his presence -- it's just -- he's so NOT what i see in my head -- in my little petri-dish world -- as someone i would date or love. he's just -- d.

on another but clearly related note, i'm half-worried t might possibly be avoiding me. i mean, it's only been like a day since we've talked online last but -- for the two of us -- that's a lot.

i hope work is as theraputic as always and i feel productive and successful -- 'cause it sure seems like i've set myself up to strike out everywhere else.